MAID and Canadian Thanksgiving
Yesterday, I was in conversation with an American and two-thirds of those French people capable of rational thought. We sat in a booth in Light Haven's kitchen and the topic of Thanksgiving came up. I knew only of the Canadian Thanksgiving, but I was told there is an American holiday of the same name.
I detailed some aspects of our quaint, northern tradition and was surprised to learn how ignorant the world is of Canadian Thanksgiving. One of my French interlocutors mentioned the importance of "family" in France. Family, he explained, is a strange congregation of the genetically related, which struck me as a sort of particularly whimsical French phenomenon, similar to the incrementing of republics and the ménage à trois. Then an American explained that this was not unique to the French and is, instead, a human universal. And he then mentioned that American Thanksgiving exists mostly to celebrate the American family.
He was wrong to claim universality. Because in Canada, we lack anything like family. Though after our Emergence from our MAID pods, we are assigned to an accountability board, which I suppose is similar in some ways. And when talking with outsiders we often refer to our Bureaucratic Accountability Board (BAB) as our family, so the confusion is understandable.
The majority of the sane Frenchmen were surprised to learn about Emergence, which is the name for the process by which a Canadian is born, the death of an aged Canadian providing the sustenance for their successor, the sacred government KoolAid ending one life while catalyzing the creation of another; and this life then emerges from its silken cocoon after three days and three nights. The general ignorance among non-Canadians of this process explains many things that were previously mysterious to me.
Often, I have heard outsiders wonder at Canada's low population. "Given the sheer amount of land," they tell me, "why are there only 30 million people?" You can see now why this is an absurd question. It seems worthwhile, then, to explain the process of Emergence here, as Canadian Thanksgiving will make little sense without it.
The MAID pod is, in actuality, a cardboard box. I am unsure why we refer to them as pods. Knowing this, you may now be able to guess how Boxing Day works, Boxing Day being another Canadian holiday which the world seems very ignorant of. During Boxing Day, we practice lying in our MAID pods with equanimity. We meet with our BAB and each member takes turns boxing the others, a practice preceded by a short ritual in which we imbibe "rehearsal KoolAid."
Of some historical interest, there was a mixup during the Boxing Day of 1993 which resulted in several million unplanned Emergences. This event, which I would call more an amusing mixup than a tragedy, is what got Prime Minister Kim Campbell (who herself Emerged fully formed from the pod of the previous Prime Minister due to the mistake) to introduce and pass a law which required the province of Newfoundland to celebrate the holiday one day before everyone else. They now serve as a sort of coal-mine canary.
I should detail my own Emergence - the excitement as I tore through my cocoon and saw the stern faces of my Bureaucratic Accountability Board. I am told Americans unwrap presents on their birthday and on the birthday of their Christ, and I suppose the feeling might be similar. But it must be a much smaller joy. For the American on these dates unwraps some toy or trinket. The Canadian, on his Emergence, unwraps his cocoon and finds, as his gift, the whole of the world.
I have described Emergence and Boxing Day, but not yet Canadian Thanksgiving. It, like Boxing Day, is related to Emergence. Like the naked mole rat, the Canadian is a eusocial mammal. And it is in the Governor General's teats that our precious KoolAid is manufactured. And it is to our Governor General that we give thanks on Canadian Thanksgiving and particularly the Governor General's teats. For without our Governor General our way of life would be impossible.
And we say thanks, too, to the True Queen: a mystical figure prophesied to secrete a KoolAid that works on all the peoples of the world and, most importantly, produces two Canadians for every drinker. It is the fondest dream of the Canadian to convert all the peoples of the world to our hive-like ways. This day will come. We are all sure of it.
Someday some foodstuff you think safe will be dosed by a patriot, perhaps even myself. And from your body two others will rise, two who will understand our great traditions more viscerally. Having read this explanation of our quaint Canadian ways, I hope when the time comes you will be equipped to understand the great privilege that is MAID and Emergence.